In relationships, many people usually use giving when expressing that I want to be good to you. For example: take good care of each other, help each other solve problems, help each other solve problems, and wish to take care of all the big and small things in the other person’s life. And the better the relationship, the more you give. But what we don’t know is that excessive giving will actually make the relationship worse.

The More You Give, the More You Desire

Many people give in the name of love when they are in a relationship. I am good to someone without asking for anything in return. I just want to do my best to satisfy him. The relationship model constructed at this time is a “symbiotic relationship.”

What is a symbiotic relationship? According to psychoanalyst Margaret Mahler’s stage theory of infant psychological development: babies before 6 months old are basically in a symbiotic stage with their mothers. At this stage, all their basic needs need to be met by the mother, so this stage constitutes the “mother-infant community”.

But it is worth noting that only the baby and mother before 6 months are in a normal symbiosis stage. After 6 months, it is a pathological symbiosis. In other words, when a person is so good in a relationship that he can do everything for you, he is taking care of the other person as a baby.

But the more you give, the more you desire. Although on the surface it seems that you are taking care of the other person you are hoping that the other person can take care of you in the same way that you take care of them.

Therefore, when an over-giver is giving, he also desires that the other person can do the same to him. They usually think like this, you see, I know what you want and what you want to do even if you don’t tell me.

Does that mean that you can know what my wishes are without me telling you, and you can also meet my needs promptly. Of course, this desire usually appears subtly. Generally, those who over-give will not say it out loud. They just want the other party to understand their thoughts.

But in most cases, it is difficult for people who are placed in the position of “takers” to realize this. So the giver will give more and more resentful.

Excessive Giving Will Put the Other Party in a Vicious Situation

What is overpaying? It means that you always ignore your own needs to meet the needs of the other person, and this is the case for everything.

Why is there an over-giving mentality? This is because the more a person gives, the more moral capital he or she can accumulate. He will feel that he has sacrificed so much for the other person, so he will automatically put himself on a high moral level.

As mentioned above, if a person continues to be kind to the other party, he must be expecting to give himself the same return. If he does not get the return he wants, then the party who pays too much will regard the taker as An ungrateful white-eyed wolf.

And many times, people who are labeled as “takers” don’t like the other person’s excessive efforts so much. Because givers will do things for each other, often saying “Look at what I do for you” and “I have done so much for you, how difficult it is for me”.

Perhaps at the beginning, the other party may be very moved, but as time goes by, they will feel it is a burden and feel anxious. Moreover, many of the contributions may not be what the other party wants but are imposed on the other party out of one’s ideas. If the other party does not accept it, the giver will be blamed.

As a result, the other party in the relationship will be suppressed by the other party and live with a sense of guilt. In the long run, in this unbalanced relationship, the person who is unconsciously placed on the “taker” side will be placed in a vicious situation and will want to escape from the relationship.

The Foundation of a Healthy Relationship Is Self-Love First

Why do givers keep giving? The essence of over-giving is a lack of love in the heart. Because I have not been treated well, or the caregiver has constructed conditional love for me.

Therefore, if you want to gain the recognition of the other party in the relationship, you will exchange it through giving when such an internal relationship model is formed in childhood. After growing up, this desire for security will also be placed in other relationships.

For example, the most common thing is that in an intimate relationship, to get love and prove that you are worthy of being loved, you will control and possess the other person through constant giving. However, the superficial overpayment caused by this inner lack is a moral disguise mixed with control and demand, and it is impossible to retain the other party.

Most of the time, they are actually self-moved and self-satisfied, just to make up for their inner desires, without actually seeing the true existence of the other person. Therefore, we have to see the lack of “self-worth” and “heart longing to be loved” hidden behind excessive giving.

Then, try to turn your attention back to yourself, learn to love yourself first, and pay attention to your own feelings and needs. Only after you improve your sense of self-worth can you truly have the ability and strength to love others.

You must learn to look inward at everything and not place your hopes and desires on others. Only when our inner strength is strong enough can we build a truly healthy relationship, and only then can we gain happiness and a sense of accomplishment in the relationship.

Moreover, this state of self-love and relaxation can nourish each other. When we do not have unrealistic expectations for each other and do not interfere excessively, our hearts will gradually move toward peace and our relationships will move towards harmony.

Conclusion

In a healthy relationship, both parties must regard each other as an independent system, each with its own parameters. If a gap occurs during the collision, they will respect each other’s wishes and make fair adjustments.

And if one party always deprives the other party of his will and controls his/her behavior, then you can believe that one day the controlled party will completely abandon his own will and use the other half’s standards as the keynote of his life.

And the party who is always in control will definitely feel that the relationship is boring.

Therefore, if you want to build a good relationship, don’t interfere in other people’s lives. I hope we can all move toward independent personality, love ourselves, and say goodbye to lack of love.