As children grow, it’s common for parents to gradually give them more responsibilities. When these responsibilities are age-appropriate, this can be a good thing and help children develop skills such as responsibility, independence, and teamwork.But when children are burdened with adult responsibilities, it can turn into a destructive phenomenon called “parentification.”

Parenting essentially involves the child and caregiver exchanging roles. Thus, children emotionally support adults (called emotional parentification) and/or manage household logistics (called instrumental parentification). Emotional parentification is often more harmful than instrumental parentification.

This phenomenon occurs when a parent relinquishes the role of parent and the child feels the need to take on that role.

Therefore, it is not the parents’ needs to care for their children, but the children’s needs to care for their parents.

Expecting your child to be a contributing member of the household by putting away laundry, cleaning up toys, or feeding the dog is different than parenting education. “Parenting” refers to the burden placed on a child that is excessive and lasts for too long, causing emotional harm to the child and preventing his or her appropriate social, emotional, and academic development.

Examples of parentification might be that a child is expected to serve as a therapist to a parent, a caregiver to a younger sibling, or a peacemaker during adult arguments. It’s important to keep cultural and racial differences in mind when having these conversations because many cultures value interconnectedness and input among family members.

In a culture like this, we also want to see children being allowed time to play with other children and participate in education with other children. We hope that family responsibilities will not often overshadow appropriate childhood experiences.

Certain circumstances increase the risk of a child being raised by a parent, such as a parent with a physical or mental health problem, a substance abuse disorder, divorce, or financial hardship.Immigrant families may also face this dynamic due to language barriers and culture shock.

We are more likely to see paternity tests in single-parent families, where the oldest sibling is most at risk.

If this sounds all too familiar, read on as therapists share signs you might have been parentified as a child.

You have a hard time holding boundaries.

Struggling to set and maintain boundaries is a sign you may be experiencing parentification. You may have a habit of neglecting your own wishes, plans, and preferences in favor of those of others.

For example, if someone says they can’t attend a family gathering because of previous commitments, they may feel internally ashamed, especially if those previous commitments were based on things they wanted to do for themselves.

At the same time, you might react badly to someone setting boundaries for you. You may feel confused or hurt, especially if you are unable to set and maintain developmentally appropriate boundaries with your caregiver.

You have trouble relinquishing control.

As an adult, you may continue to take on many responsibilities and feel a constant need to be in control of situations.

“Adults who were parentified as children may struggle with allowing others to take the lead in situations,” she said. “This could also result in having relationships with those who will allow them to take charge. Adults who were parentified as children might harbor feelings of resentment from the lack of support.”

Over time, this inability to let others share some of this responsibility can leave you “overburdened and eventually burned out,” Graham added.

You feel overly responsible for other people’s emotions.

Maybe when you were a child, your parents treated you like their confidants, and were very dependent on you for comfort and support. They might even say, “I need you to make me happy,” or ” I don’t know what I would have done without you talking about it.”As an adult, you may continue to feel responsible for the feelings and well-being of others.

Caregivers may also convey messages such as “if you do badly in class, you will turn me off”. So you have to do well and don’t make me angry. This message allows children to form an internalized narrative that they must act “good” or “perfect” to prevent caregivers from getting angry.

You’re a fixer.

When someone you love tells you about something going on in their life, you can’t help but offer unsolicited advice and solutions to save the day.

“While adults who were parentified as children can be empathetic peacemakers in their relationships, this can also lead to over-involvement in the interpersonal dynamics of others,” Graham said.

She added: “In short, the adult who was a parentified adult can struggle with internal feelings of discomfort stemming from having to watch others figure out how to navigate their own lives.”

If this sounds familiar, here’s how it may affect you — and what you can do about it:

According to The Attachment Project, being placed in developmentally inappropriate environments as a child can stunt your emotional and cognitive development and lead to high levels of stress, anxiety, and feelings of overwhelm.

Worse, your caregiver may not be giving you the comfort or support you need to help you overcome these emotions, which may further interfere with the development of healthy emotion regulation skills. You may have also had trouble socially and academically as a child because of all the responsibilities you had at home.

In the long run, you may have trouble maintaining healthy boundaries and relationships. Additionally, you may develop clinical depression as a result of the caregiver’s continued emotional hypervigilance or difficulty recognizing needs.

But not all results are negative.It may be useful to consider some of the positive effects of this education.

For example, parent adults may be dependable, accomplished people, even “cornerstones” of their families, friend groups, workplaces, and communities, and they may remain calm during difficult interpersonal interactions.

If you are an adult struggling with the relationship you experienced as a child, there are steps you can take to process it and move on. First, work to identify your true wants and needs.

Pay attention to different situations, such as boundary setting, physical sensations in our bodies. When we are able to slow down and help our bodies understand that we may no longer be in the same situation or unsafe situation we were in before, our nervous systems become more attuned to the present moment.

Establishing a consistent routine that sets aside protected time for relaxation and self-care practices can reduce the likelihood of burnout and overcommitment. Having an accountability partner, or someone who checks in to make sure one is not overcommitting can also be a helpful strategy.

For some, it may be helpful to relive parts of their childhood that may have been missed, such as “going to amusement parks, playing video games, collecting nostalgic items.”

Therapy may also be beneficial, whether individual, family, or a combination.

A therapist with specialized training in working with families, such as a licensed marriage and family therapist, may be especially helpful in navigating these family dynamics. I also highly encourage family therapy. While there is great value in individual therapy, many of us can benefit from attending family therapy with a caregiver and find repair.