Adult clients have had conflicts with their parents for a variety of reasons. Generational conflict seems to share certain commonalities, whether it’s parents becoming troubled by decisions their children have made for them, or adult children wondering whether their parents will be able to let them live independently. While cases of generational conflict are diverse and present multiple points of conflict, the most common points of conflict relate to four themes: identity, memory, independence, and planning for the future.

Identity

Sociologists believe that a person’s identity involves his beliefs, experiences, abilities, and expectations. It is like a summary statement of a person’s life, like the plot summary printed on the jacket of a novel.

For example, someone summarized Hemingway’s 128-page novel “The Old Man and the Sea” this way: “An old man, a small boat, and several days and nights reveal the story of human struggle throughout the ages.” Such a summary is very suitable for a classic.

However, what would have happened if the protagonist, old man Santiago, had not been fighting the big fish for three days, but for 20 minutes? Maybe even fishing magazines don’t think it’s worth mentioning. The same principle applies to identity issues for aging parents.

• When interacting with parents, we need to understand that their identity at age 70 will not be the same as their identity at age 40;
• If they insist on staying in the identity of 40 years old, their lives will stay 30 years ago, which is unimaginable.
• We need to treat our parents as they are today, not who they were or what you want them to be.

Memory Loss Is Not Necessarily a Sign of Dementia

Sure, your mother probably misplaces her glasses five times a day, and she sometimes forgets the name of her beloved grandchild.

But are these signs of Alzheimer’s or another type of dementia? uncertain.

Human memory is much more complex than the “memory improvement” programs currently popular and promoted. It can be short-term, sequential, long-term, or operational (such as performing a function). Everyone’s memory can be affected by medications, lack of sleep, lack of exercise, unresolved tasks, or age-related decline in information processing abilities, to name a few.

• Before assuming that your parent is mentally retarded, think of yourself as a clinical scientist and approach the problem.
• Pay attention to the context, frequency, or severity of your parent’s “weird” behavior, and make an appointment with a neuroscientist after not one but multiple episodes.

Don’t Treat Your Parents the Way You Treat Children

We all want to help our parents as much as possible. Often, we try to anticipate their needs before they ask for help.

You think it’s compassionate to do something before your parents ask for help, but your parents may be angry because they think you’re reverting them to the helpless childhood they had. state.

When there is a gap between expectations and reality, parents and adult children can cause some pain to each other.

• You can assume that parents’ abilities, from physical to cognitive, decline over time.
• However, there is no fixed point in time when they need your help because it is constantly changing.
• To avoid unnecessary conflict, we can discuss with parents when it is appropriate to offer help and when they would prefer to just leave it alone.

Start Planning for the Future Today

If I were 78 today, I could imagine myself chasing wild trout in fast-flowing streams at 90, but I know it would be ridiculous to believe that I would ever run a marathon again.

The more I allow myself to ignore reality and live in a fantasy of hope, the more my brain becomes dull and the life of my adult children will be messed up by me.

In the 1950s, every problem had a simple solution. But these days, it’s increasingly difficult for adult parents to face an unhappy future.

Thinking about a person’s uncertainty can make us uneasy, but we should always be prepared for danger in times of peace.